OMG!!!

Okay, I broke down and got on my scale. I honestly thought I was going to have a heart attack, can shock actually kill you? That lovely little scale, my sweet friend, said I've lost nine pounds in the last seven days! Is that possible? Me, the queen of munching, the connoisseur of french fries, the mistress of all things sweet lost weight? It's a good day for me and all chunky monkeys. Rejoice, there is hope for us all! Praise the gods of my little diet pills, oh and that low calorie diet and exercise thing too. So everyone stand up and do the happy dance . . . happy dance, happy dance!

I am armed with a renewed motivation and I'm ready to start week two! Bring on the salads baby!

"I'm so excited and I just can't hide it, I'm about to lose control and I think I like it, I'm so excited!"

They can't stop me!

Well another day of sticking to the calorie count, 976 for the day. I've got those little skinny minnies running scared now. I'm surviving and maybe even succeeding. I might even cross over to the dark side yet. There's still temptation, succulent little treats left in my path, the evil thin ones out to sabatoge me, but I'm resisting. And one day I will join their ranks and take over! Of course it is possible that successful dieting is going to my head or the lack of food is causing me to lose my mind. No matter though, I have a mission . . .

My life is empty . . .

Did ya'll know that the doctors have prescription appetite suppressants? Where were these ten years ago, did I miss the memo? I know the skinny minnies have been hiding them from us, but no more I say! Their little secret is out now, how they can resist the sweet treats we all crave. So armed with these new wonder pills I have eaten 1,000 calories today and I'm not hungry. Let me repeat I'm not hungry. Did I mention I'm not hungry?

I have to admit this is an entirely new concept for me to not be hungry. I actually haven't thought about food much today. It's invigorating and an empty feeling all at the same time. I love that I am actually making it on the diet but food has been my comfort, my friend. And I do miss my friend! I actually skipped eating queso dip today, me, the queen of mexican food! It's unheard of, the end of the world as we know it. Mexican restaurants all around me are panicking! And the bakeries, well, they are projecting record low sales this month. The horror for all the calorie busting diet death traps in my area, it's a full scale alert!

So to all my chunky monkey sisters of the world, have faith, I have faced the queso dip and won the battle!

In the beginning, there was fat . . .

First things first, let me just admit I am a chunky monkey, pleasantly plump, there's junk in my trunk, baby got back . . . bottom line i'm overweight! And newsflash to any skinny minnies that might be reading this we big girls out number you! We can crush you like bugs with a doughnut in one hand and twinkie in the other. You few with your warp speed metabolisms are ruining things for the rest of us. The fashion world adores you, all cute clothes are designed for those few chosen thin people while the rest of us are forced to dress like substitute teachers. And the restaurants, well they love us big girls, they create every dish with us in mind. Thousands of calories in one salad and here we think we are eating healthy. Hidden fat, larger portions, and tons of sauces covering every delicious inch. So what's a girl to do, well here's the beginning of my journey . . .

Now I first considered some rather diabolical and somewhat childish pranks against the fashion industry. I also seriously debated secretly adding sugar to all the skinny minnies' non fat skim milk extra foam mocha lattes. But I realized that these plans would still never get me what I truly wanted. So after years of eating and dieting and eating again, I have finally had enough. I'm thirty one years old and I want cute clothes. I'm not in this for my health, nope it's all about the wardrobe baby. Call me shallow or vain if you want, but you have all dreamed about those cute little tops and hip hugger jeans at some point. So where to start, or better yet where not to start. Here's a list of all the things I won't be trying (again) to lose weight . . .

I will not:
eat only grapefruit and eggs for a week
substitute a diet shake for a meal
stop eating all carbs, I like pasta dammit!
try any products purchased off the internet
commit to any calorie count with only three digits

In short, I'm tired of yo-yoing with miserable fad diets that never work! We've all tried them, everyone, and look at us, yep still fat. So I'm going to do that mission impossible and learn to eat all over again. Smaller portions, eating more slowly, healthier foods, and yes, dare I say it, exercise. It will be be a long and torturous process but it must be done if I ever want to reach my goal. It's March and I want that new wardrobe for Christmas, I have nine months to lose ninety pounds. Is it possible, who knows? But I have eaten my last cookie and I'm ready to try!

So stay tuned for the further trials, tribulations, triumphs, defeats, and in general complaining of this desperate fat chick on one last ditch diet . . .

Starting weight: 233 lbs.